还未等到的烛光晚餐
just came back from a very long and tiring day outfield. not a very pleasant experience. took a taxi back with yopin, kenneth and jerome, under a glowing round moon; this week the moon has been round for quite a few nights.
on one of the nights i actually dreamt of being in a norwegian winter night. there was aurora, though it looked very electrical, once in a while making a zapping entrance. i expect the real thing to be much more gentle, much more subtle. then i realised that in the moments when you drift between sleep and consciousness, that's when your mind is independent of your control, when it is at its clearest.
this week i have lost myself. not in the i'm-going-mad way, but, indeed, literally losing my-self. i'm becoming this thing that i don't like, that i don't want to turn into. yet, everyone else seems to want me to be like that. i can't quite convince myself that it's for my own good. one thing i know is, i don't want to lose myself.
and then i learnt that living well is the best revenge. george herbert. from sophie kinsella's can you keep a secret?, which was a completely whiny and romantic book. it's just like listening to a girl's mind talk.
so: today was a long day of camouflage cream and sweating. running and shouting, asking what's happening. asking why the enemy isn't dying. carrying insane loads of weaopons. 80%-clean weapons. honestly. (with the roll-eye effect.) and kenneth ousted me to the front seat of the taxi, where you get left out of everything.
right now i'm at home enjoying the midnight comfort of (leftover) brownies. speaking of which, the birthday brownies looked so pretty when they were pinned with numerous candles and set alight. but sunshine thinks they're not sweet enough. i want to use up the leftover cream cheese, but i don't feel up to baking a cheesecake; i think it's time for another no-bake cheesecake.
on one of the nights i actually dreamt of being in a norwegian winter night. there was aurora, though it looked very electrical, once in a while making a zapping entrance. i expect the real thing to be much more gentle, much more subtle. then i realised that in the moments when you drift between sleep and consciousness, that's when your mind is independent of your control, when it is at its clearest.
this week i have lost myself. not in the i'm-going-mad way, but, indeed, literally losing my-self. i'm becoming this thing that i don't like, that i don't want to turn into. yet, everyone else seems to want me to be like that. i can't quite convince myself that it's for my own good. one thing i know is, i don't want to lose myself.
and then i learnt that living well is the best revenge. george herbert. from sophie kinsella's can you keep a secret?, which was a completely whiny and romantic book. it's just like listening to a girl's mind talk.
so: today was a long day of camouflage cream and sweating. running and shouting, asking what's happening. asking why the enemy isn't dying. carrying insane loads of weaopons. 80%-clean weapons. honestly. (with the roll-eye effect.) and kenneth ousted me to the front seat of the taxi, where you get left out of everything.
right now i'm at home enjoying the midnight comfort of (leftover) brownies. speaking of which, the birthday brownies looked so pretty when they were pinned with numerous candles and set alight. but sunshine thinks they're not sweet enough. i want to use up the leftover cream cheese, but i don't feel up to baking a cheesecake; i think it's time for another no-bake cheesecake.
posted by ivan at 12:13 AM
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