bloom in the snow

oh no, listening to yuki no hana makes me feel so ___. it's the song that xiufu sent me, but listening to it reminds me of so many things, not just bmt and the leopard people.

i can't name the feeling that the song makes me feel; i can't find the word for this feeling i have felt so many times. and this is the very feeling that makes me remember many things: of dreams and impossibilities (and the frustration of knowing the impossibilities), of gloomy/sad/grey/hurting/painful - i can't find the right adjective either - histories and uncertain futures.

even working hard could/would not get me what i really want.