silly crushes

sometimes i sit at the bus stop and just watch the vehicles go by. but today i was suddenly thinking of the world in 100 years. and then it gets even harder to imagine what it'll be like in 2500? presumably, we'd be gone by then. and presumably, there will still be people around. (right?) but then that sparked something: where will we be after we are gone? and more importantly, what will it be like when i'm old?

i just finished reading alice sebold's the lovely bones, and i think that triggered something. sometimes it feels like everyone else has moved on, like the vehicles driving past, like time - the river - itself flowing past. moved on with university, boyfriends, girlfriends, work, Life. and yet here is where i am: the bus stop.

i found my beautiful post of almost a year ago.

sometimes our timing is just bad; our paths just miss each others' by a few seconds, a phone call, a lunch. but a heavy rain can coop everyone together, and a mug of hot chocolate warm the heart.

something is just missing. it's like i'm stuck, and watching everyone move on. it shouldn't be happening. i'm doing what i wanted to be doing. almost. i'm spending 82 hours a month giving tuition and earning enough (to make myself happy), and spending the remainder of the time shuttling between homes, preparing lesson plans, getting not enough sleep, and being stuck in time.

yet i have no time to tend to my sourdough, and though i just stocked up on flours and hope to get nice chocolate buttons, i don't even think baking is going to get my life going again. day after day, it's waking up late and rushing from home to home, hesitating on what to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner, facebooking endlessly and waiting for non-replies, trying to uprank on startutor (totally pointless), getting new assignments and getting even more frustrated over nothing yet again.

so, moving on.