wake up, drunkard

i've been feeling awful these few days. it's not that i feel negative all the time, but that my mood swings from one to another so quickly. it's like some oscillating pendulum. i think my terrible lack of control over my emotions is costing me a lot.

yesterday, i went to watch sso at esplanade. again, i had to walk through citylink mall. and again, i felt that pressure of walking through a large crowd. it really does try to suffocate me. i went to the bay at esplanade. sat there alone, amidst all the other dating couples and friends hanging out. that image looks quite sad, doesn't it? i realised that i couldn't drown myself in water because i knew how to swim.

sso played bernstein's symphony no.2 'the age of anxiety'. how apt. you could feel the frefulness in the music all the while. pain and anger that was ever-present. and finally that resolution - the faith that everything will turn out fine.

i walked over to victoria theatre after the concert. rjc's dancenite had just finished. i was going to look for someone, but then i thought i was probably going to destroy his wonderful evening since he was with his friends, so i left. lingered around the city. no twilight to reminisce with, just ugly lights which blocked out the stars. 'i think you should go home if you're all alone now.' i thought so too.

i cried in my bed until don't-know-when, and woke up at 11am, thereby missing church. enough with the 'haha's. enough with the 'pretend' game. teach me to be normal. you could save many people.

God works in the most wondrous ways.