indefatigable

last night i thought i finally found enough courage to call you. but then i put down the phone after a few rings; just wasn't ready still. then on my last try you picked up and that was the first time i heard your voice in a few months, but i put down again because i didn't want to get rejected again. but i really missed you and it hurt so much that i cried and cried. i was so tired.

you said before that if i didn't bug you anymore then you would treat me better. but you simply took advantage of my silence and it's been four months since we talked.

last night i dreamt of killing mummy. then i was trying to use the knife to cut her face, but it was like wax and there was no blood. then she opened her eyes and made me cut her finger. after i cut her finger, she started coming after me.

this morning our first lesson was on a level 7 classroom, and on our way down i saw you again. i didn't really know what to do anymore. in the past i should have just jumped up to you and said 'boo!' but nowadays we just shun away from each other, don't we?

there was an earthquake over sumatra today, but i didn't feel any tremors, although sonya said they woke her up in the library. chemistry test wasn't that difficult, just a few weird questions.

i had been feeling quite weird the entire day, as though my mind couldn't decide what to feel, but pe lesson changed everything. because james said something bad again. i just don't understand everything. but i didn't have to play in the same group as him. in any case, i didn't play. i went to do three pull-ups, and many standing broad jumps. but they all sucked so i sat on the jumping mat and cried.

went to the art room to see the silk screen printing for a while. but mr chia didn't let me stay. strayed around for a while and then went for h3 maths. i really dreaded it today because i was extremely tired. just kept falling asleep. i was sweeping eraser dust from my writing tablet, and then suddenly i swiped my eraser onto the ground. the shock finally woke me up. it felt as though going for h3 was like going for air-con.

the silk screen printing workshop wasn't done yet by the time i finished h3 maths. nope, no gordon to walk me back to the mrt. (anyway, he owes me one walk.) but then i still cried while walking back to the mrt. it started raining on me. and then i cried on the train. then i bought a bun and was crying while i ate it. it just kept coming to me again and again.

if we don't do anything then i might just suffer a breakdown. but you don't mind, do you? i might not be strong enough to go back to chamber. today it's mummy's birthday. tomorrow it's gp common test.

because 'select' and 'reject' are derived from the same key-presses on the handphone. for the first time in a long while i feel like dying. the truth is, i wanted to jump down last night.

but tomorrow will be better, right?